Disclaimer: You don't have to read this post if you are "too holy."
… And do not be deceived, chastity is not a piece of cake.
I’m getting ready to take a bath. I notice my pantiliner is drenched in a clear slimy liquid. Like a skilled lab technician peering through a microscope, I touch and scrutinize the mucus, dabbing it between my thumb and index finger. For no apparent reason, I check the smell, before disposing of the pantiliner. (Gross? You were warned)
Cold sweep over my bald skin as I wait for the bathtub to fill up. Everything within me yearns for arms to wrap me. What is this “strange” desire? I suppress the yearning and momentarily self-distract in a warm bubble bath, professing my love for Jesus, singing better than Bethel and Elevation worship. One hour goes by and I finally decide to drag myself out. Stepping out of the bathtub, a warm and tingly sensation ignites me not just from sitting long in the tub. I sigh. What is this again?
My attention diverts to the mirror … I linger around it, self-admiring. Hmm…I think I look more beautiful today. My Twins look firmer and caress-able. Wait, isn’t that carnal? I try to fight the “impure thoughts” by thinking about what is pure – the word of God. However, my sly mind scans from Genesis chapter one and pauses at chapter 2:25 “Adam and his wife were both naked and unashamed.” Ah God! When will this be my reality? The longing for such a day swiftly kindles another type of longing. Get behind me Satan! I’m trying to be holy here.
I pour lotion into my palms. It smells exceptionally romantic today. As my hands glide smoothly across skin, l start feeling self-caressed. What is this stubborn feeling?!?! All I want to do is moisturize my body, not get moist. What’s happening to me…?
Once upon a time, I could only imagine what Paul meant when he said it was better to marry than burn (1 Cor 7:9). What changed? Somedays, everything around me gives me the fever: a book, the news, my body spray, candles, fruits, even the sight of my bed, neatly made with fresh smelling sheets…Is this a conspiracy?
I turn my mind to scriptures again. How did Paul conceive that verse? Certainly, all Scripture is God inspired, down to the very adjectives and verbs. “Burn!” Such a precise portrait of the feelings I’m wrestling! The demands of my body.
My body makes various demands – when it’s hungry, thirsty, tired, pressed, sick, craving specific things, and yes, when it wants a laying on of, of, of body? When the body wants sex, it yells from beneath the skin. Only eunuchs are clinically deaf to this. I have been thought to have it easy because I haven’t yet indulged my “sex pangs” and therefore have no experience-based memory of what sex feels like. I’m told “once passion is awaked before its time, it’s so much harder to deal with horniness/practice chastity.” (Songs of Songs 2:7, 3:5 and 8:4) However, being a virgin doesn’t make my sex hormones any different or numb. My experience attests that virgins do “burn” too. In fact, they have so much oil in their lamps to keep several night vigils in eager expectation of the groom. While virgins may not have a past sexual experience to reminisce, they tend to have quite some untamed fantasies, oblivious to the fact that sex may just be overrated. Either way, “burning” reminds us (virgin or not) of our humanness and vulnerabilities to moments when the body wants what it wants. So, what do I do?
I go about my daily business (life wouldn’t stop) or experiment several options. Since I am feeling like “I’m sexy, and I know it,” I make use of my best selfie skills, try out different clothes in my wardrobe, dance to my favorite beats, indulge to food. If I drank wine, this would be the time when I’d drink a little for my “bottom issues.” I hit the gym or beauty salon. Sometimes, I go for the more spiritual alternatives to try to put on a complete armor against the wiles of my hormones. I read the Bible and Christian literature, sing spiritual songs, pray in the spirit (because my mind is so carnal, it can recall and visualize everything I know about reproduction – even in the middle of prayers). I listen to any sermon on purity, holiness, anything to help set my mind on things above.
Other times, I am much less spiritual. One of such days, I googled up the definition of sexual intercourse (please don’t ask me why). In addition to the meaning, the search engine pulled up some photos – for a visual effect I think? I tried to quickly close the tab but that’s when laptop decided to freeze! That left me feeling like I’d just watched pornography and no, the flame was far from quenched. I’ve also realized that it’s quite easy to be flirty when horny, so I try to be intentional in my interactions or conversations.
Some days though, I just feel miserable and fault God for it. God, if sex should be reserved for marriage, why do the urges come before? I wish I had the “freedom” of the unbelieving; I would totally give in to slavery right now. Well, maybe not, but #TheStruggleIsReal #Chastity is not a piece of cake.
Whatever I do, I certainly would NOT talk about it. An unmarried Christian girl yearning for sex? That’s a taboo. Even married women, in many cultures, may come across as sluts for simply asking their rightfully wedded husbands to fulfil their biblically prescribed marital duty. How can I tell anyone about the horniness I sometimes feel? That would just make me look like an incarnate of carnality. “Sister, kill the flesh!” I would be admonished. And that would only kill my faith as I wonder why, when it comes to this, my flesh seems to have the power of resurrection and a thousand lives.
I wish someone would tell me that I am not from Neptune. #EveryoneBurnsSometimes. That this feeling is as normal as my monthly period. That I’m ovulating and it’s my body’s natural way of preparing for fertilization. That it has nothing to do with my level of spirituality, anointing or lack thereof. It doesn’t make me less sanctified. That I can be single, holy and still feel horny. And that, whether I like it or not, my hormones would try push the boundaries of my commitment to honour God with my body (1 Corinthians 6:20). While no one may tell me these things, how I respond to this demand is extremely important to God. For now, let me just say…
… Just in case you’re wondering, I’m still a Christian 😊
This was a lot to chew, I’d understand if you don’t comment 😊. Next post on April 16th. Make it easier to remember by subscribing for email notifications or following this blog. To view previous posts, click here If you feel comfortable, help share this post using this link: https://christianbachelorette.org/2019/04/01/my-body-speaks/
God bless you,
The Christian Bachelorette.